Like, whats wrong with me? I am partly replying and partly commenting on the many very earnest and difficult sexless relationships discussed here. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. Sure she was sore & tired particularly in the beginning, but she didnt make it a habit to say no because she knew my hand was nothing like her body that I craved. I find that unfathomable. Your husband is a very lucky man. If she senses youre blaming her for something, shell go on the defensive. Shes taking care of the house and shes working as well. he is very persistent. Behind heart broken!!! He seems to think (as far as I can surmise) that sex is just a little bit dirty or should only be used for procreation purposes. If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. In other words, pressure makes for bad sex even when you actually end up having it, and all that pressure and bad sex might make your wife just lose interest in sex completely. Its like he just doesnt think about it ever. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! My wife avoids spending time with me. If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? If your wife is pregnant or has had a baby in the last year, it could be a mix of pure exhaustion and wild hormones that are causing her libido to be off kilter. Sounds like you had a good long run and shouldnt be complaining. There are many exceptions, but if you dont want me let me go elsewhere. We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. So, heres what I did. Now its Im sore there. Although he acts like he doesnt notice and maybe he dont. My problem is my husband is still very much interested. I have read here about mostly women who do not desire sex, but let me tell you, men not wanting or giving their female partners sex is an unmentionable crisis in our homes. He has with held sex before, once or twice when he was mad at me a couple of times in the past 18 year, that was my punishment. I brought this up in premarital counseling. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. I have joint custody with my ex. Those hormones can cause cancer. I was disgusted with the thought of my tongue in that region. And I still dont even know why! Nothing is out of bounds! Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! Nowadays due to the requirement of Adult Mens Sex Toys, different kind of online retailer store like Lovecubby available for a variety of high-quality sex toys for men & women that everyone can love. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: Welcome to, IMO, male divine right. Food, sleep, sex. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. Good points you made for sure. I have tried internet sex and it wasnt bad but it wasnt enough. We are both active and healthy. Key points. Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. I am a married woman of 69 and my husband (also 69) lost all interest in sex quite some time ago. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. Im pretty much in the same boat. He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied. Nothing is out of bounds! var d = document, s = d.createElement('script'); Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? What to about it: Have an earnest, exploratory conversation with each other about what sex means to you both as individuals, and then talk about how you can create a mutually satisfying sex life that works for both of you. It breaks my heart because we are so happy together in every other way, but I need the physical intimacy and to be desired and sex is something I enjoy and I feel like he is withholding it. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. Your wife avoids intimacy because she feels neither desirable nor sexy. Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? In most cases, Ive seen that when one partner is depressed, after a period of time, the other starts to feel depressed as well. Susan!!! I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. BUT I agree If I was an electronic game, or a bead of some kind I would get some attention.. We have had a very good sex life up until a few years ago, and she has had many good sexual adventures. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? Ever again. 9. They may be finding fulfilment on the computer/phone with others (just a guess) and so thats a big problem right there. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. And its understandable, its a very hard thing to accept. Men provide protection, stability, and resources. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. I dont believe calling sex your duty is accurate at all. Particularly in marriages between men and women, women still do the vast majority of household labor and childcare, even when both partners are spending an equal number of hours at work. This can be emotionally wounding for her, and the man too if he has empathy. Enjoy your life as my dear friend you only go around once. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. We still find a way a couple of times a month, but it took my husband a long time to not feel he was at fault. The less stressed she is, the more free space she has in her mind to devote to all things naughty. I felt rejected at times, but I learned that what postpartum moms go through physically and emotionally is intense. However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. The role only involves the two lovers and an invited therapist they consented to. I love her. Suffice it to say I got cut off when she started affairs with 3 other guys. This is especially true of couples in their 40s and 50s, or those who have been married more than 10-15 years. Very few people in my club and I sincerely hope not many more people join, Mike G, Maybe we should start a group. Sex is a HUGE part of a marriage, are you kidding me? Marriage vows are till death do you part. Im in my 50s and after years without feeling that hardness inside me anymore, I often find myself thinking about the next 30 years without. I was already starting to think that I was a man born in a womans body!!! I dont care what age this happens to a man, somehow the blame goes to the woman for not looking her best,gaining weight, busy with the kids, not willing to give oral sex and the list goes on and on. Yow..I am a 32 year sober alcoholic and thought I had a slight case of ED..but the mens clinics determined thats not the case..its the flat and lifeless attitude I am getting from my wife that kind of keeps things limp. I just dont get it. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. My doctor has tried several medications to stop any and all sexual feelings that I feel , but the side effects have always been so adverse that none of them worked out. That killed it for me. She wants no part of it. My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. (function() { // REQUIRED CONFIGURATION VARIABLE: EDIT THE SHORTNAME BELOW At first when we were dating this were fine. Then if you still have to, decide. In some cases, this can escalate intopostpartum depression, which is a common reason why many women experience a lack of sexual desire after childbirth. Im 57 and my husband is 56 years old. Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. She claims to always be tired anyway. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. Amen. Honor us with attention and physical contact. Its at least mean . You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. I had a client recently who was so angry at her spouse, she said she didnt want to have any physical intimacy with her husband, If he wants to get divorced, let him get divorced, she said. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. Then she wakes and l turn my head to see her reach across pick up the phone and begin scrawling through and tapping away. I have not had an affair because, well, thats just not me. I have been a loyal affectionate hard working husband ( I would say that!) })(); Quick and fast is also good. But wasnt it lovely when we were young and lithe and our bodies would do anything we asked of them? The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. Been sleeping in separate beds since surgery. Ohh my! Now it is back to looking at every other couple as maybe having something unattainable for me and my Wife. I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. my dad still wants to have sex but my mom is too tired and no longer comfortable with sex. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Divorce isnt either Im not ever going to hurt her. 1 use and money making business on the internet. Sh. Nor, should they be. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. I wish you well and hope you find some consolation I finally asked him he said I was crab and mad all the time, I have a lot of pain and take a lot of meds sometime, and yes I am very unhappy with my life, but I try to hid it. Women want to be swept off their feet. She sleeps in the other room. But, and hopefully it is, if you still connect at that level in any way, please do so. Your children can/will respect only what they see and experience. It takes two. Most women, especially in our age group, only experience responsive desire. Many of these comments are a breath of fresh air. 3. When theres a disconnect and communication gaps that lead to resentment, the hostility will make itself apparent in some way or the other, says Gopa. If shes willing, find a therapist who will help you and your wife talk about this and really listen to each otherand if she wont go, go on your own. She has rejected counseling and even criticizes my masterbation or porn. We used lubricant but it still wasnt very effective the last time. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. Nope no sex. Below are a few potential reasons that might explain why your wife is not interested in you sexually. Very sad!!! But did you notice that men have to make the first move? Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? To see my wife go direct to the Phone on the first morning home and second morning home was very upsetting. I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. Then,move on. A very wise woman my grandma. And Ive been caught too. I hear ya Jose! The experts have very little to offer. It is so sad listening to mostly men talk about their wives not wanting sex. ITS HIS POUTING and defeatist attitude! With all of that being said, I an understand your frustration. Over time, expressions of love change form and that unbridled passion can begin to dull down. There is a lot more going on there. Weve never had an argument about it, because Im always careful not to sound like Im accusing her. For example, nonsexual touching, which includes kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding, can make people feel . Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. We are wired so differently. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. I have asked her why she makes dinner for us even though she hates doing it, and she says its because she loves me. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! Grab Now! s.src = 'https://EXAMPLE.disqus.com/embed.js'; What shallow view of the problem. Recently, he has been distant unloving and disrespectful towards me. Trying to feel sexual and struggle through it and pretend is so hard, and brings me only sadness that I have to pretend after years of being honest. I actually stopped having sex with her last night because she told me to hurry up. And Im okay with that. Im just trying to talk to her and it pisses her off anytime I bring it up Im tired of masturbating two to three times a week so I can focus on the everyday things Im going on 33 years of marriage and this started at 15 years. I almost wish I were. Sharing your desires is essential, as is listening to her needs. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. She said, YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER WOMEN?! 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! I agree with Roger, I get more laughs, and more insight, from the comment section! My wife and I are celebrating 48 years together in January. If they need get that only from you, so be it. I ruled our marriage & family and still do. Here is the rub though. Thats crazy my husband is the one who is lacking in wanting orgasms, I still need them daily so I continue with out him, I am tired of all the good years I wasted on him waiting lol our kids are grown and gone I still love sex! I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. But, as we have read many time here, that it is OK for the woman/wife to force her husband into a sexless marriage. I feel your frustration. I think he wanted to stay in his marriagemainly I think b/c his wife earns well (makes more money than him). There are many causes, physical and emotional, why your wife wont have sex with you anymore. That had bee. I am beginning to think that we are supposed to get old. Take stock of all the good things you still have in your relationship that you might not find again. Accept her no lovingly, masturbate, and initiate again another day. From so many different angles I cannot begin to list. Honey I can assure you 100% hes not doing without sex hes at the prime age to have sex I couldnt tell you why he didnt wanna have sex with you but Im going through the same thing with my wife. Id be interested to find out your age. But, if we actually *wish* to engage our brains, we do have the brains that God gave us, the brains through with which we can engage in thoughtful interpretation of facts. Your situation is my situation ! Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. Its the only wu to turn this round. Although she initially helped with my toddlers, she eventually lost interest and helped only occasionally. When home I was to do whatever he wanted me to. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. I need to be held by a mature woman and caressed and brought to orgasm. Sex was great and plentiful in beginning (weve been together 32yrs), but he has lost all interest and I havent had sex in years. Additionally, she should see an endocrinologist who can check her thyroid. Illness, marital issues, motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. This ad is displayed using third party content and we do not control its accessibility features. Weve been in counseling for a year. Holy Cow, I have about had it. No way not ever. I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. After menopause she lost interest in sex because of vaginal atrophy. Ask your wife about how she's feeling about the relationship, about you, and about your life together, and see how you can get your relationship back to a good place. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. Hi Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. You can set things right on this front by planning special dates and mini-vacations so that you can both focus on each other and your relationship without worrying about work, finances, kids and other things. So much hurt involved, and guilt. Hmmm. Right. Ive communicated my feelings to him many times. I have respected all she has asked and continue to do all I can to let her know I love and adore her. I cant have sex do to pain and believe me I truly hat it. All information is confidential. I need to feel cherished, looked at and touched in a non-sexual way THEN when I feel loved and safe, I want to please my man. Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. For a woman, as she ages, she needs time to get into that sexual mindset and anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. Good luck. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. Its not worth the stress. He is suffering from a mental health issue. Im in the same situation with my overweight, lazy, 48 year old wife. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. We havent had sex in 6 months and she has rejected my advances numerous times. Showing discomfort is a telltale sign that your wife isn't taking foreplay positively. I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. Ive just seen this ,not sure when posted .ive tried so hard to get wife to have sex .she says menopause.then I gave up.but other we I had a beer and told her how I felt .silly beer a..so she been trying to start sex but my body has closed down to her .im worried ive turned off to her mentally.I do love her but shes noticed im not getting aroused like I used too .and now shes saying I prefer porn, but its how ive got by for so long.its really .mested up.im 53sorry. If I was better looking and could make the time to find a willing partner Id do it because sex has dwindled a lot in the last ten years. "Sexuality will often emerge naturally from their authentic emotional intimacy.". At least between us. For many of us, male and female, the virtue of sex resides in the shared experience. * RECOMMENDED CONFIGURATION VARIABLES: EDIT AND UNCOMMENT 330 Comments So not only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. Please help. We lose ourselves. The wife never initiates physical contact if shes unhappy with the strength of the relationship, says Gopa. I get tired of waking up because I realize Im having an erotic dream and humping the bed. I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. My wife and I are in our late 50s and connect wonderfully in all ways. My shower massagers has gotten me through years but it never will replace that hard feeling down inside me that I long for, yet believe now I will never feel again and Im only in my 50s. Men are not mind readers. Best to all. I cuttle with her, hold her close, hold her hand in public and we talked about it. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? I am 64 and met a 75 widower for 13 years whom exercises, takes a natural supplement to help with blood flow, and takes occasional viagra. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. Yes! After 8.5 years in my sexless marriage, I almost found the phrase Youve both gone so long without sex together funny, though it is far from that. My wife determined several years ago that she no longer has that connection to me, and will eventually leave. But no sex. In the end, she doesnt want it and I have stopped caring. Dont hold it against her. She is BI/Sexual she said & needs a women or two..So that leads me to find some one else or join in that the only way i get some sex from herSo Monica & Pamela Start looking for some Bi/sexual or Gay Women.Their only an Orgasm a way!!! Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. I have difficulty ejaculating and often, cannot get erections with her. But if he cared for me a hug would be nice. 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! I dont look my age at all! Shes been mostly dry since a few years before menopause. I have come to that conclusion also. Married a little over 50 years! I urge you to seek help now. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); Weekly turned into Monthly then every 3 or 4 months question about sex. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. Finally someone is pointing out this is not a divided hate forum. My husband is 46 gringo! Sounds to me like youve picking your men from the bar. Brilliant. No sex for about 20 years. She told me, a man should never get jealous of his wife f ing other men. And you are wasting your life . 2. There are many reasons for vaginal pain, if indeed thats what shes experiencing, and getting the right medical help is essential. Stan, With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. Not once does he try to get her off, he just rolls over and goes to sleep. Thats a humiliating feeling. So therapy would be out of the question, and shed never think about going on anything like low dose hormone therapy. If you're dealing with other problems in the relationshipan ongoing argument, an affair, disagreements about decisions related to the kids or work or money, literally anythingthen those tensions may seep into your sex life. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. Women have all these excuses and fare enough many of them are legitimate but some of it is disconnecting. What the heck! Im to the point where Id be happy with an occasional peck on the cheek. I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. 2 weeks later I spoke to her again and ended up asking if she knew what I was suggesting. Many of us could not conceive of divorcing because we have spent a lifetime waiting around to be shown once again that we are desired by the one person we have shared our lives with and still very much love. I am happy all the time, my hair is twice as thick as it was before, I had urge incontinence, which completely disappeared, it cut my knee joint pain in half, and best of all, I love sex again. Haha it isnt always easy but I try to focus where we are in life. Mental health issues dont appear out of nowhere for no reason. You are so right. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. . It pains Mike and me to hear that women can suffer this way too. 4 Things to Teach Your Kids to Stand Up For, 5 Things Teens Need But Wont Ever Ask For, 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood, 20 Great Conversation Starters for Great Marriages. Very true! You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. Finally after 40yrs he tries to help and cares more now than at any point all the times before. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. I am now trying to get into health club manament and the barriers for that seem less difficult. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse. Furthermore the AFIB and some remaining heart failure issues make sex not safe to engage in, even if counseling could resolve our relationship issues from the past. */ Im not convinced of this because he does not even initiate a kiss. If not he should go on in it. Dear, dear men, And its been going that way for years. My best friend. What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). I am fairly attractive and I. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can improve your sex life tremendously. Demanding sex is not way to go, maybe we would like to hear her opinion. Wish she would just say so. Lately it seems that after giving her oral sex my wife just wants me to hurry up and orgasm with intercourse. Sound off: What are some other practical things you can do as a husband to increase intimacy? I say I know exactly what youre taking about because my wife has had four back surgeries and we have sex RARELY! While women understand that, men refuse to comprehend that arousal is complex for women. If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. I actually envy those that are single. I hope you two can work it out. Laura. Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. why is he grumpy? Hopefully I will die and be out of this misery. I suggested just me doing him and he close his eyes and touch me nope. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. We both have health issues But it isnt. It is equally open to the man to be charitable by eating alone. I remember when certain words did the trick. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? I am starting to go to prostitutes is this wrong? We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. I dont want and will not ever get a divorce. Leaving her is not an option. This seems to be the one thing that cannot change (no medical conditions preventing sex). Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. I like cuddling. I spoil her all the time. * https://disqus.com/admin/universalcode/#configuration-variables Ive tried everything I can think of but Ive given up. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. **The husband has NO right to sex, or anything else. Loved and desired! I am free to masturbate without hiding it, just dont ask for sex, ever. Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. . But for women, its quite different. I get it and don't want to add to her stress. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. Youre right that its a huge, painful problem. If your wife wont touch you, maybe something has changed. I domt have to put up with that. If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance. 60s, 70s. I completely recovered and had to start my own business to share in the household expenses.